Proverbs 21.9
“It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.
While this proverb makes a reference to wives (the Israelite culture was patriarchal), it communicates a timeless, common sense principle: How people act in a relationship has a profound impact on the other people in the relationship. It is true for men and for women. It is true for husbands and for wives. It is true personally and professionally; in a marriage, a family, or a friendship. It is true on a team; in a business; in a church. It is true in society.
It is a core principle of E+R=O. The way you manage the R affects the people around you. Your R is deeply personal, but rarely private. Your R is an E for others.
In an earlier chapter in Proverbs we were given a similar relationship principle: “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.” (Proverb 12.4)
This is a powerful message about relationships. When someone acts with “excellence,” they are “a crown” to the other person in the relationship. But when someone acts with “shame,” they are like “rottenness in the bones” to other person in the relationship.
The word for “excellence” in Proverbs 12.4 is the Hebrew word hayil, which has a wide variety of meanings, including strength, might, power, wealth, army, ability, and virtue. As you can see, it is a very robust word that is rich in significance.
Hayil is used in Psalm 60.12: “Through God we shall do valiantly (hayil); it is he who will tread down our adversaries.”
Hayil is used in Exodus 18.21: “You shall select out of all the people capable (hayil) men who fear God, men of truth, those who hate dishonest gain; and you shall place these over them as leaders of thousands, of hundreds, of fifties and of tens.”
Hayil is used in Psalm 18.39: “For you equipped me with strength (hayil) for the battle; you made those who rise against me sink under me.”
The key message in Proverbs 12.4 is that the Lord calls us to be hayil in our relationships. He calls us to be strong, virtuous, and skillful in the way we relate to other people. And the Lord puts a special emphasis on calling us to be hayil in marriage.
Keep in mind that hayil is something you must develop through the powerful combination of trusting God and doing the work of disciplined practice (musar). If you want strong, healthy relationships in your life, you must commit to the process of developing skill. Again, it is a core principle of The R Factor. You don’t get the relationships you want, you get the relationships you build. Everyone wants great relationships, but not everyone is willing to do the work required to build them.
So examine yourself. Are you hayil in your marriage? Are you hayil in the way you parent your children? Are you hayil toward your parents? Are you hayil in your friendships? Are you hayil in your relationships at work?That is, are you virtuous, strong, and skillful in the way you interact with the people in your life?
Where are your gaps? What relationship skills do you need to build? Where do you need to get better? Resist the temptation to evaluate other people. Don’t evaluate your spouse or your children or your parents or your friends or your colleagues at work. Evaluate yourself.
It’s a consistent theme in Proverbs. Trust God, do the work, and commit to relational excellence.
