Proverbs 29.15
“The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.”
Proverbs 29.17
“Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.”
These two verses emphasize that it is the responsibility of parents to lead and direct their children. It is also the responsibility of parents to hold their children accountable, which means exercising discipline when necessary. There are several other Proverbs that teach the same core principle:
“Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.” (Proverbs 13.24)
“Folly is bound up in the heart of the child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.” (Proverbs 22.15)
“Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol.” (Proverbs 23.13-14)
The word for “discipline” in these verses is our word musar. The intent of musar is always learning, development, and growth. It means the disciplined process of teaching and training.
Sometimes, as part of the process of disciplined learning, it is necessary to administer discomfort. However, the discomfort should always be productive discomfort. There should be consequences for wrong behavior, and when appropriate, the consequences should be uncomfortable.
With regard to parenting, to fail to hold children accountable is a big mistake. As is true with all forms of leadership, if you permit it, you promote it.
A key message in Proverbs is that the parent who withholds discomfort from the discipline process actually causes harm to the child. Indeed, the parent who “spares the rod” often does so because the parent is avoiding the personal discomfort that the parent would experience in applying discipline. It is a self-centered act by the parent.
The parent is uncomfortable making their child uncomfortable, so the parent withholds discipline. Proverbs equates this to “hating” the child, which is an amplified way of saying “not loving” the child.
It is also necessary to make sure that the discipline/consequence that is administered is intentionally and purposely instructional. Again, this is the very meaning of musar.
The big warning: Do not punish out of anger or impulse. Discipline that is delivered impulsively and in anger is highly foolish and potentially abusive. An angry, out-of-control parent is not acting wisely. An impulsive outburst by a parent is a lack of self-control, and it communicates mismanaged frustration, not musar. It is unlikely to do anything but cause resentment on the part of the child.
That sort of impulsive discipline is an example of what Paul refers to in Ephesians when he exhorts fathers not to exasperate their children.
There is, of course, much controversy today regarding the practice of spanking. Keep in mind that the “rod” referred to in these verses need not be spanking. In fact, the vast majority of the time that the wise parent uses the “rod” … it is a“time-out” or some variety thereof.
Wise parents — if they choose to administer a swat or two — do so rarely, never in anger, and always with instruction in mind. The goal is not to punish; the goal is to teach. When the situation calls for discomfort to be administered, it is productive discomfort, wisely administered.
