Proverbs 12.4
“An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.”
This is a powerful message about relationships. When someone acts with “excellence,” they are “a crown” to the other person in the relationship. But when someone acts with “shame,” they are like “rottenness in the bones” to the other person in the relationship.
This is true wife to husband, and just as true husband to wife. It is also true of the relationship between parents and children, as well as friend to friend.
The word for “excellence” in Proverbs 12.4 is the Hebrew word hayil, which has a wide variety of meanings, including strength, might, power, wealth, army, ability, and virtue. As you can see, it is a very robust word that is rich in significance.
Hayil is used in Exodus 18.21: “You shall select out of all the people capable (hayil) men who fear God, men of truth, those who hate dishonest gain; and you shall place these over them as leaders of thousands, of hundreds, of fifties and of tens.”
The key message is that the Lord calls us to be hayil in our relationships. He calls us to be strong, virtuous, and skillful in the way we relate to other people. And the Lord puts a special emphasis on calling us to be hayil in marriage.
Keep in mind that hayil is something you must develop through the powerful combination of trusting God and doing the work of disciplined practice (musar). If you want strong, healthy relationships in your life, you must commit to the process of developing interpersonal skills.
It’s a core principle in life: You don’t get the relationships you want; you get the relationships you build. Everyone wants great relationships, but not everyone is willing to do the work necessary to build them.
Where are your gaps? What relationship skills do you need to build? Where do you need to get better? Resist the temptation to evaluate other people. Don’t evaluate your spouse or your children or your parents or your friends or your colleagues at work. Evaluate yourself.
When it comes to relationships, be careful of wishing for more than you are willing to work for. The grass is always greener where you water it.
“By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.” (Proverbs 24.3-4)
Coram Deo
